On today’s episode of “Every Once in a While a Blind Squirrel Finds an Acorn,” the host of HBO’s “Real Time with Bill Maher” offered up some post-election advice for both sides of the aisle during his opening monologue on Friday — and I’ll be darned if he wasn’t spot on.
Maher’s brief moment of clarity came in the form of an admonition framed around the rioting, looting, vandalism, and worse — AKA: “peaceful protests” — that have plagued the country since George Floyd died during a police action in Minneapolis in May.
“No matter which side wins on Tuesday, let’s skip the civil war and go right to reconciliation. Thirty-four percent of the voters believe there will be another Civil War within the next five years and I’d like to remind them of one thing: America is a family and the definition of family is people who hate each other without resorting to violence.”
No diatribe from Maher, even if it’s about a serious subject and he’s at least mostly right, comes without a heavy dose of satire and sarcasm, however.
“We have to see each other not as mortal enemies but rather merely as roommates from hell. If we want to simply exist, we’re going to have to find a way to work together. […] So let’s not have a civil war with the Trumpers. We’re no good at war and they’re no good at being civil.”
Okay, the last line was a bit of a cheap shot for a laugh, but the guy was right. Maher’s next admonition borrows from
Chicago Jesus Barack Obama’s “There are no red states or blue states; there are only the United States” hallow oratory.
“Take it from someone who has traveled this country my whole life: There are no red states or blue states. They’re all like Mitch McConnell’s hands — some shade of purple. (Yeah, hahaha) We can’t have a second Civil War because the two sides aren’t neatly separated anymore! The Mason-Dixon line would cut through states, cities, streets, even bedrooms.”
See? The acerbic dude can actually make sense when he wants to. Then again, a bit more consistency and a lot more “practice what you preach” wouldn’t hurt anything.
“We’re amongst each other now, all swirled together and marbled in. There are 3.8 million Hillary voters in Texas and 4.5 million Trump voters in California. We can’t go to war. My dry cleaner is behind enemy lines! I don’t want to fight the battle of Trader Joe’s! We have got to figure out ways to start working with each other again and the way we’ve always done that in the past is with a Grand Bargain.”
Call me crazy, Mr. Maher, but how ’bout you kick off the civility campaign by refraining from calling Donald Trump a “whiny little b*tch” (while rooting for a recession), Donald Trump Jr., “Donny Douchebag,” Eric Trump, “Short Bus,” and Amy Coney Barrett a “f***ing nut” who “speaks in tongues”? Do you think that might not be a bad place to start? Otherwise, you’re a hypocrite, aren’t you?
Maher criticized the rioting and looting, as well — but again by covering his butt with a few shots at Trump and Jared Kushner in the process.
“Have we lost our minds?!? Stealing? BAD! No looting the mall and also no Gucci-loafered Republican looters ransacking our government because I know what you’re thinking, Don. You lose the election and ‘Everything must go! We lost our lease, going out of business!’ Oh yes, you’ll be selling pardons on Craig’s List. Jared will turn the Smithsonian into condos. You’re going to try to strip this government like it’s an abandoned Range Rover in a bad neighborhood.”
Before we throw Maher completely under the bus for shots, remember; he also has to placate his equally-acerbic audience during brief moments of clarity. Heaven forbid he’d ever come across as completely rational.
“Stop stealing! Is this really such a hard thing to agree on?!? Can we agree on something?!? Anything! Because it’s getting a little chippy out there. So please, whatever happens, Tuesday, let’s find a way to live together. We have to — because no other country will take us.”
He even came up with a clever name for the monologue: “Truce or Consequences.” True, that. Not that the rabid Left will heed his advice in the event that their hopes and schemes are again, as was the case in 2016, dashed against the rocks of truth and real justice.
So here’s the thing. We can blow Maher off, here — God knows we’ve done it in the past more times than we can count — and rightly so. Or we can just read his words — if that helps — and dismiss who said them. And that “thing” is, he’s right as rain. Again, I know; every once in a while, a blind squirrel finds an acorn.
But in Bill Maher’s case, this time, that acorn is more important and makes more sense than anything he’s said in a long time. While the messenger will no doubt revert to form, his “words of wisdom,” at least, will remain true.
Here are a few of our election articles from yesterday. Please check them out.